By JENNIFER MADRIGAL
My youngest son, Nicholas, had to have two biopsies done earlier this month and the experience proved to be a “humbling” one for my older two sons. You see, as much as they love their little brother, they never really grasped the enormity of that love until procedure day.
Since Nicholas is deaf and autistic, these procedures were a little scarier to him than to most 10-year olds. He had to be held down, without his glasses, without his cochlear ear implant, and only the gentle reassuring caresses of me and his brothers. The doctor numbed him up – which if you have ever had a biopsy done you can attest to how much that shot really hurts – and began to slice deep into his skinny little arm and bony back. While we all held him down, me kissing his head and the boys each with a leg, we watched our little guy squirm and whimper in fear. Imagine not knowing what’s going on and on top of that, not being able to hear your mom explain it, see it clearly, or really even understand. I was unable to sign to him during the procedure because I had to hold him down, and he couldn’t move his head to see what was happening because of sanitary reasons.
So the three of us, me and my two sons gritted our teeth and watched and loved on him as best we could. But I noticed something, with every whimper, I saw my older boys wince as if they, too, were being cut. I watched their faces and I saw their hitched breathing. They were as tense as little Nicholas because they couldn’t stand to see him so scared. When Nicholas was all stitched up and we were back in our car, my boys and I took the time to reflect on the whole ordeal. My oldest said, “I really wanted to cry with him, mom. That was horrible!” And my middle son offered to buy Nicholas a car or a helicopter or whatever he wanted. We settled on getting Nicholas a shake and making him macaroni and cheese for dinner, two of his very favorite things. However, this whole experience gave them a deeper understanding of what it feels like to be a parent.
I told them that this is what being a mother feels like; it really is like having your heart walking around outside of your body. Seeing your child in pain, being helpless to make them feel better, and knowing that they have to endure the “hurt” for their own good are all elements of being a mom. This is why we get so worried and scared when our kids are injured or sick or simply take the wrong path. They are our hearts and so deeply connected to us that their pain becomes our own. For once, I think they actually got what I was saying without rolling their eyes and muttering, “Oh, Mom.”
Luckily, Nicholas’ biopsy came back negative for cancer, and once again my little guy enjoyed his favorite shake on the way home, and my boys now have a deeper understanding of what it feels like to be a mom.
